Saturday, May 08, 2004

Morons, Evil Bastards, and Uncle Toms

As we discuss the rise of the political left over the last century, I feel compelled to talk about what I feel is one of their most brilliant achievements: their ability to characterize their ideological and political opponents. Over the years, those who have chosen not to follow the teachings of the left have been automatically placed by the media and liberal intelligentsia into three distinct categories: Morons, Evil Bastards and Uncle Toms.

The first and most popular classification for the great unwashed is of course, Morons. This group is reserved for those who just don't have the mental capacity to grasp the complexities and nuance of the liberal path. The left looks down on this group mostly with pity, although Morons that manage to rise to power receive the full brunt of liberal scorn. Those classified as Morons by the left include our current president, all NASCAR fans, all gun owners, and pretty much everyone who was in the first two thirds of the class to be picked for a team in gym class. Liberals would like to put all non-believers into this category, but some notable exceptions make it necessary to add two more.

The next category contains the Evil Bastards. This group is much smaller than the mass of Morons, and is reserved for those who clearly display a powerful intellect, but for some reason do not walk The Path. Personalities like Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld fall into this group. While liberals would like to place these guys into the Morons club, they always seem to have intelligent, if insensitive and outrageous things to say, so it just wouldn't fly to call them Morons. What other explanation could there be for their behavior other than evil itself? The Evil Bastards are perhaps the most hated group of disbelievers, since they have the faculties to grasp the great tenets of Liberalism, but choose (how dare they) not to.

The last group is a special one that Liberals were reluctant to create due to their overwhelming compassion. However, tough times demand tough action, so here we have the Uncle Toms. The Uncle Tom's are people of color who normally would have been grouped into one of the other two categories, but due to the scriptures of political correctness, cannot be classified in such ways. Since it is immoral for liberals to criticize a person of color, the only explanation for these people's behavior is that they have been somehow confused or coerced into supporting the wrong side. This is an elegant solution, as any criticism of an Uncle Tom is automatically transferred to the Morons or Evil Bastards who corrupted him, which alleviates the Liberals of any guilty feelings about criticizing a person of color. Colin Powell and Condoleeza Rice are the most well known Uncle Toms, although their ranks are growing, much to the alarm and dismay of the liberal intelligentsia.

As you listen to liberal politicians pontificate or watch our left leaning media faithfully bring us the "news," notice how neatly they fall in line with this system. What better way to engage an opponent intellectually than to make them somehow instantly inferior, as if their opinion should be instantly discounted just because they didn't pass through this all-purpose liberal filter. Then you can pretty much say anything you want, since facts cease to become facts in the liberal universe when they come from Morons, Evil Bastards, and Uncle Toms.

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