SATURDAY NIGHT ZEVER (*).

Reader LydiaVH sent me a little sumpin to laugh your *ss off:

(Lydia)
Remember the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”?
Well, here’s a prime example offered by an English professor
at an American University.

(Teacher)
“Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.” The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca -last name deleted, and Jim - last name deleted.
————————————————————
STORY:
(First paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she had to, just now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

—————————————————–

(Second paragraph by Jim)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. “A.S. Harris to Geostation 17, he said into his trans-galactic communicator. “Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…” But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

———————————————————-

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,” Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed hurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?” she pondered wistfully.

——————————————————–

(Jim)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. “We can’t allow this! I’m going to veto that treaty! Let’s blow ‘em out of the sky!”

———————————————————

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

———————————————————-

(Jim)

Yeah? Well, you’re a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. “Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F*CKING TEA??? Oh no, I’m such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels.”

———————————————————-

(Rebecca)

Asshole.

———————————————————-

(Jim)

Bitch.

———————————————————-

(Rebecca)

Wanker.

———————————————————-

(Jim)

slut.

———————————————————

(Rebecca)

Get f*cked.

———————————————————-

(Jim)

Eat shit.

——————————————————–

(Rebecca)

F*CK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

———————————————————-

(Jim)

Go drink some tea - whore.

——————————————————–

(Teacher)

A+. I really liked this one.

Meanwhile, on Planet Bozo, the peaceful farmers of Badass living in the model province of Blablaza were overjoyed when the socialist party won an overwhelming majority in the Parliament of the evil kingdom of Jooz, and promptly passed a unilateral disarmament treaty, so that illegal incursions of Carl Harris-type machos like the ones on the photo below were a thing of the past and they could continue growing Brussels sprouts in their zero carbon emission greenhouses, earned through hard work over the past three years.



Not.


MFBB.


P.S.: the Flemish noun "zever", in most of our dialects pronounced as sheaver, means rubbish, nonsense. Not that there isn't a lesson to be learned from this story.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

DowneastBlog wishes all its readers of good will a Happy, Healthy and Successful 2009!!!


MFBB.

ISRAEL HAS THE DUTY TO RETALIATE.

In 2005, the Israeli Army left the Gaza Strip after 38 years of military rule in an unprecendented move masterminded by then Israeli PM Ariel Sharon. For a hawkish person like Sharon the "disengagement" was a totally uncharacteristic operation with which he apparently hoped to finally end the stalemate that Israeli/Palestinian negotiations had ended in. The IDF pullout was globally described as the thing that Israel should have done decades before. A more sober IDF Chief of Staff Lieutenant General Dan Halutz said:

"This is their true test. We will not tolerate their ineptitude, turn a blind eye to their failures or ignore acts of terror. They will not be able to shirk their responsibility," he said.

In Israel itself, a country like any other democracy not short of leftist airheads, many heralded Sharon's decision as the dawn of a new era in which Israel would finally live in peace with its neighbors. Israeli filmmaker Dror Moreh e.g. said that the unexpected about-face by the former Israel Defense Forces general was a pivotal moment and could have been the catalyst for peace with the Palestinians.

Barely two years later the Gaza Strip had become yet another islamic terrorist state:

... Hamas gunmen broke through Fatah defenses at the compound in Gaza City on Thursday morning. They fired rocket-propelled grenades at the compound, provoking return fire from Palestinian Authority Chairman Mahmoud Abbas' presidential guard.

The rival factions have been engaged in bloody battles since Sunday, resulting in the deaths of at least 70 people. By noon Thursday, at least eight people had been killed. Al-Jazeera TV reported early Thursday afternoon that the death toll had climbed to at least 16.

Fatah officials said seven of their fighters were shot dead in the street outside Preventive Security building. A witness, Jihad Abu Ayad, said the men were being killed before their wives and children. "They are executing them one by one," Abu Ayad said. "They are carrying one of them on their shoulders, putting him on a sand dune, turning him around and shooting."

State building didn't go too well for the Paleostinians. Before the pullout, dim-witted mostly western philanthropists had bought the 8,500 Jewish settler's famous greenhouse facilities in order to present the Palestinians with a hot start for exporting agricultural produce. Among the naives were, apart from Bill Gates, quite a lot of Jewish Americans. Today, with the greenhouses in ruins, the 14 million dollars wasted on the endeavour is the price for the lesson that exporting an entitlement culture to another continent does not make it work there either. I doubt however that the lesson has been learned.

The only thing Gazans have had a degree of success in, is developing their own missiles. Instead of improving their agriculture, infrastructure, education, health care system and whatever passed for an industrial basis, they put all their effort in developing homemade rockets. Crown on the work of Hamas's rocket scientists is now something comparable to what Sir William Congreve had in the nineteenth century. The Qassam 3 is 2 meters long, reaches 10 kilometers far and carries an explosive charge of a couple of kilograms. Needless to say, the military value of this thingy lies far more in its psychological effect than in its destructive power.



With Qassams, they can reach cities like Ashkelon and Sderod. The human loss caused by the 3100 or so Qassams fired since 2001 is 15. By disrupting normal life there, they of course cause great economic harm. But... while I do absolutely not want to belittle the fifteen dead Israelis, it is clear that if Hamas wants to reach its goal, the destruction of the Israeli state, in this way, they have a long way to go still. Just think of it... the Israeli so-called occupation gone now for three years. Massive financial injections from all over the world AND from the Israeli state. And ALL that these fuckfaces have been able to come up with is... scores of Qassam rockets. So, while I deplore the innocent victims made during Israels recent bomb runs, I have zero sympathy left for sheer idiots who simply DON'T want to take matters in their own hands and work on a better life for themselves and their families. In addition, you might want to give the graph above a closer look. See when the missile launching took a spike, correction, several spikes? That's right, AFTER 2005. For those do-gooders in the west and elsewhere lamenting the plight of pathetic Paleostinian losers and watching scores of staged handwringing scenes by wailing martyr mothers, the truth is simply that the idiots fired one petard too many and Israel, which has actually shown far too much restraint, finally hit back hard. It has every right to do so, it even has the DUTY. To me, the most sad thing of it all is that it took America one month to lose the "global sympathy" it had after 9/11 for rightfully hitting back, and Israel lost its in, oh, 1947 or so, Gaza islamonutters can for sixty years and longer prove to the world what incurable, impossible to live with bastards they are... and yet count on uninterrupted goodwill from LA to Stockholm. Pathetic. IAF...

... hit them HARD.


MFBB.

SUNDAY BEAUTIES.

I actually wanted to do a post about why Israel has every right - what do I say, the goddam duty - to blast these Hamas m*therfuckers to hell, but I was a bit bored.


MFBB.